Foreshadows

Russ and I had been dating for a little while, when we ran into our first….um…altercation, you might say. I was fighting the well beaten path of my heart which had faithfully taken me out of relationships time and time again. He was fighting for me. Russ is a forester and his sanctuary is often an overstocked forest, thick with trees that need to be managed. And so it happened, he was running a property line on some timberland the days following our…um….wrangle of hearts.

God, I love Rachel. Show me if she is the right girl for me….or if I should let her go. He breathed this prayer among the timber that mid-spring day. As he continued his work, he came upon the shed antlers of a young buck. Although he’d found many sheds in his time, this was an unusual find as the set were laying next to each other. Often deer will loose one antler at a time and can even run for days with one antler. As he picked up this find, he heard the familiar voice of the Creators whisper.

This is a good pair. It’s a good match.

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The Actual Antlers

As he absorbed these words his heart lifted. It was a promise of things to come. I was not to be let go….for I was his pair, his good match. He threw the antlers into his pack and made his way through the woods with the wild sense of witness to a future that was yet to be. Later that night he held the antlers again, and pondered the 4 points each antler possessed. Children.

Married and talking in hushed tones as our daughter Madeleine slept in her nearby crib, Russ grabbed the antlers from his nightstand. His rough and slivered hands caressed the tines and he humourously asked, “Which one do you think Madeleine is?” I giggled at his seemingly ‘crystal ball’ approach to the set. His hand found it’s way to the smallest tine at the bottom of the antler when he pondered. “I wonder what this little one means.” And without a moments notice, he proposed, “I wonder if we will have a child with special needs.”

Everything in me paused. Yes, I’d heard that. Deeply. I could tell the thought was running through Russ’s head as though he had heard it in real-time with me. Something weighty grabbed those words and a glimpse of our family flashed in my mind. And then it was gone- maybe because I felt afraid to let my mind settle there, for fear that my imagination held the power to create a reality. Or because Russ continued the guessing game, assigning gender to the tines. Yet, just as the antlers had previously spoken to our future and family,  we had seen something with our hearts that could not be unseen.

(Children with Down Syndrome are commonly smaller in stature than typical children. So far, our little girl is measuring small in her arms and legs. Small is not less, it’s just small.)


hot-tub.jpgI swooshed Madeleine through the jetstream of the hot tub at our leisure centre. She loves the water. It was a quiet day at the pool, and with the exception of a few elderly folks who walked the lazy river, we were alone. Soon a family came through the double doors, onto the pool deck. The mother was stunning and moreso, because she shone with the look of a new mom. Holding her brand new babe, she found a seat next to the children’s splash zone.

Her husband took the hand of their 3 year old daughter and led her into the pool, protecting her as she fearlessly attempted the slide. When they made their way into the hot tub, I acknowledged them with a nearly silent ‘hello’ and diverted my attention to Madeleine who was trying to excavate a smile from the little girl whose arms were firmly secured around her Daddy’s neck. She had Down Syndrome.

A vision of myself being a mother to a child like her, raised its head above the parapet of my subconscious. Before this vision ducked out of sight, a certainty spoke loudly – I am seeing this for a reason. I’m aware that it’s easy for hindsight to attribute undue weight to the conviction of that encounter. However, in my truest evaluation of that day, I can confidently say that my spirit knew something that I did not allow my mind to believe.


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Among other outdoor activities, Russ enjoys plowing the snow from our drive with his quad. It’s his ‘nothing box’ as my Dad would say, drawing from the concept that men and women’s brains are compartmentalized like boxes and spagetti, respectively. When the heavens blanket our property with snow, Russ is no procrastinator in clearing it.

On this particular day, while our chocolate labrador, Ole, chased the quad through the thick snow, Russ’s nothing box was being tresspassed by thoughts of having a child with special needs. He couldn’t shake the feeling and his thoughts swirled like the snow as it sprayed the edge of the drive. This is his story and it is far more personal to him than I can narrate, but in hindsight, this was his hot tub moment.


The night before we received the call and found out we had a high chance our baby would have Down Syndrome, we spent our dinner conversation discussing in great detail what we would and wouln’t do if we had a child, specifically with Down Syndrome. Our conversation was founded strongly on this most beautiful portion of scripture:

Psalms 139:13-18

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,a]”>[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Before we knew our baby’s design, we knew that if God’s thoughts toward our baby were already vast in number, if His knitting needles had thread an extra chromosome into each cell and if our child’s days were already written before even a breath was taken- that no diagnosis could steal these powerful truths. Even after such a hope-filled conversation, we each hoped we would never have reason to revisit the conversation.

These were preparations of our hearts which felt dismissable in their moments. Yet in hindsight, they were the assurance that our futures are known by the Spirit, who lights our path and equips us for what is to come. Once we received our babies Diagnosis, we had reason to share our experiences with each other. When we recounted the night we had looked together at the antlers, the individual experiences we had in the hot tub and the snow and finally, the conversation that we had only hours before we found out our baby has Down Syndrome, we felt wrapped in love.


And then this happened. I woke up yesterday morning, far too early. I coulnd’t sleep so I joined Russ in our living room and blearily rubbed my eyes and cozied myself up in my favorite chair. I don’t know if I’d had a dream about it, but I was reminded of a prophetic session I’d had in my hometown of Cranbrook. A team of ministry students from Bethel school of Ministry were visiting a church (House of Hope) and offered prophecy and pray for any who desired to hear from God.

In April 2015 I was 9 months fresh off the mission field and thrust back into the swing of North American life- a ‘regular’ job and a cold cold winter. I felt entirely void of purpose. My Mom and I decided to interrupt our thrift store hopping that Saturday and head to the church for the quick prayer appointments we had been assigned. I was ushered to a small table with a young girl and guy. There were no initial introductions besides smiles and first names. Quickly and naturally they began to speak to me from God’s heart. I recorded it on my phone.

Tucked into the chair yesterday, I played this recording for the first time since that day. There was a piece about worship, a relationship, childrens ministry (?), God’s favour and then this:

“One more thing before we pray for you…I got the word ECE (early childhood education). I don’t know if you’ve thought of ECE- like helping out the kids who have developmental delays. I just feel like you’re going to be helping out with that…helping them gain their confidence and know who they are.”

I sat with tears mounting in my eyes. I had never paid attention to this 30 seconds of the prophecy before. It was almost hidden to me until now. But 3 years ago, before Russ, before Madeleine and before this little one in my womb….God was there. Once again, He spoke into being the plans he had for me, before they made sense to me. The Prophetic is given to us from God to strengthen, encourage and comfort (1 Corinthians 14:3)- and it is  accomplishing all three in me.

If you have the gift of Prophecy, please, step out…be bold and trust God for His words to be spoken through you. I don’t know this young lady’s name and honestly, I wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a crowd. But she imparted heaven into my earth. She heard foreshadows from the heart of God and spoke what was not, as though it were. And now it is!

Love had laid for us the stepping stones for our hearts, even when we were oblivious to the destination. Beautiful, isn’t He?

Rachel

Diagnosis

The next day we drove back to Spokane for the scan and a chat with Tanya. I felt the emotions of the day brimming at my eyelids as we drove and talked.

When a good friend had called me a couple years ago to tell me he had ‘just the guy’ for me, he described Russ by saying, “He’s a Jesus guy, just like you.” He was right. I’d prayed that if I were to be married, it would be to a man who would lead our family in faith. I dreamed that together, we could share God’s love and life as the strongest bond between us. God fulfilled that desire by bringing Russ into my life.

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As we drove that day, his spirit lifted mine from the trench of pity and pain that was sucking me in. His voice did not quiver as he said with conviction, “We aren’t just going to be average parents to this little precious one, we are going to be the very best we can be.” A few miles closer to the clinic, after a conversation about God being in control us desiring more than to be ‘fair-weather Christians’, we agreed that our faith in God was our lifeline for every corner of our lives, not merely a religion we associate with. And in the midst of our conversation about our babies likely diagnosis, Russ said these words, “This is where faith lives.”

When those words travelled from my ears to my heart, I could sense the Holy Spirit in the car with us. It was as if we were embarking on a journey that would not only require faith but would create in us as a couple, a deeper, vivid and living faith from which to be parents and continue to experience God’s lavish love for us. And the Holy Spirit was present, affirming that He was near, empowering and comforting us as we stepped forward.

We arrived at the Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic. I felt like every staff member knew our news. We initially met with Tanya again and she walked us through the results of the tests. She wrote in pen over the printed results, 82%. This was our currently known risk that our baby would have Down syndrome. I won’t lie, I’ve never thought 18% held such good odds.

To determine the further likelihood of Down syndrome, they wanted to do another ultrasound to look for ‘soft markers’ of Down syndrome. Tanya explained that babies in the womb can present with particular features associated with the syndrome…which would add to our 82% if found. Flatter facial features, white spots on the heart, shorter than average femur bones and a slightly turned in top joint of the pinky finger were some that she mentioned.

I laid in the dark room, with my belly exposed and the ultrasound wand swishing the goopy gel around in search of our little swimmer. All of the sudden, as I fixated my view on the grainy black and white screen, a little hand came into clear view and waved at me. There it was! The little pinky was turned in slightly- but noticeably. At that moment, 82% disappeared. I knew our baby truly did have three copies of the 21st chromosome.

Following the ultrasound, the doctor met with Russ and I to review the scan. He began to re-explain the purpose of the scan in detecting soft markers and then told us that many of those markers had been found. The white spots on the heart, the shorter arm and leg bones, a glossy look on the stomach and that slight curve of the pinky finger. Each of these markers added certainty to the diagnosis- although none of these could allow him to give us a 100% diagnosis. Only an amniocentesis could provide the genetic verification of that- a procedure where a long needle is inserted into the womb and a sample of amniotic fluid is used to verify the diagnosis. I had sat through this very same procedure with a dear friend and was not keen to undergo it myself!

Russ, being an analytical kind of guy, asked if our % of risk had gone up. The doctor sympathetically nodded yes. Russ, not yet satisfied, asked if it was up to 90%. The doctor shook his head and said, “Oh no, more than that…I’d say 98 – 99% really.” I looked at Russ, as I watched his heart letting go of the last hope that this was all a dream. I offered, “Honey, he can’t legally say it’s 100% because we haven’t done the amnio’….but essentially, he is saying it’s for sure.” I looked at the Doc to be sure I wasn’t mistaken, but he nodded his head in agreement and then offered some comforting words to us.

He suggested that we think about and then decide what we would do with the results. I’ve read many statistics about prenatal testing and the subsequently frequent termination of babies with Down syndrome. Statistically, 90-95% of babies diagnosed in utero are terminated. He had laid out a long list of complications which our baby may face, because of the diagnosis. However, our hearts knew that this special and unique life was not ours to end. It was ours to steward and was entrusted to us by the Creator, who breathes purpose into each life. We told the Doctor we would not consider termination.

I was thankful that at that moment, he said, “That’s good, we always advocate for life.” Life is what we have. A tiny, intricate, sacred life growing steadily inside of me. And we have the redemptive, abundant, powerful life of Christ, coursing through our family. We left the clinic knowing we would never be the same again. Our lives had changed forever. As the weight of the day began to settle in, and the silence between us became vulnerable, I heard Russ’s words. “This is where faith lives.”

Results

As promised, Tanya called me back on Tuesday. Her call came late in the afternoon and Russ was home. I handed Madeleine to him as I glanced at the familiar number on my phone and I perched on the couch, looking out the window. I half wished I’d grabbed our calendar to remove the guesswork from my expectation of a re-scheduling of the blood test.

In the very short time I’d had with Tanya, I already appreciated her clear and informative approach to genetic counselling. It’s so rewarding to see someone so well suited for their role. Her voice was friendly and we went through the standard niceties of how are you, etc. Her tone shifted ever so slightly and she asked, “Is this a good time, do you have a few minutes to talk?” The answer to her question came out of my mouth, as my heart suddenly raised a red flag and began to wave it in the pit of my stomach. “Yes, now’s a great time….Russ is home.”

I tried to compensate for my gut reaction by focusing the conversation on the reschedule. “Are we going to have to reschedule?” I asked, suddenly hopeful the answer was yes.

“Actually, the lab has sent the results, and the reason they are late is that they wanted to verify and be sure of their findings.” Again, my voice carried a tone of confidence as I heard myself respond, “Oh, okay…..they have actual results?” Inside, my truest self knew and the red flag no longer waived, it just stood, certain of the news that was about to be heard.

The bliss of not knowing suddenly shattered as Tanya gently, yet clearly explained, “The results are showing a high risk of Down Syndrome.”

There it was. The bliss was gone and the words Down Syndrome took it’s place, causing my mind to grasp for some level of certainty. I suddenly became conscious that Russ was holding Madeleine and listening to my side of the conversation. I don’t know why that silly voice of mine continued to carry on the conversation as though there was nothing noteworthy happening…..or perhaps it conveyed a fore-knowledge of the news. Almost cheerfully, I said, “Oh, alright. So now what?”

I could hear Tanya’s slight surprise at my tone and acceptance of the news. She didn’t miss a beat though, “We would like to have you come back if that’s possible because we will do another scan to determine a more accurate level of risk for Down Syndrome. Could you come in tomorrow?”

When I hung up the phone, I could feel a numbing sensation washing over me. Russ looked at me inquisitively and all I knew to say was, “It’s not good hun. It’s Down syndrome.” There was a nonsensical thought that circled my mind as I looked at Russ absorbing the news. Am I the cause of this? It’s my fault he now has to face this. What is he thinking of me right now?

Of course, those thoughts were straight from the destroyer of all good things. They were planted to bring shame and drive a wedge between me and Russ. But Russ’s gentle and tender love immediately removed those fears and silenced the enemies voice. We sat together, I cried and we just let the likely possibility sink in. Our baby has Down syndrome.

Birthdays

Above is a picture of my 36th birthday (looking like I’m telling campfire ghost stories- ha!)….and next to it is a picture of my very first birthday. The years between these photos have been so rich and so jammed-packed with adventures, that I don’t necessarily feel OLD….rather wonderfully LIVED. Is that a thing? Heck Yes!

At Hillsong Leadership College, Brian Houston (the lead pastor) would consistently remind us that THE BEST IS YET TO COME. This phrase became a mantra for me and a reminder that God would never be finished with me.  I’ve lived with persistent anticipation for what lies ahead…and I’ve rarely felt that my ‘golden years’ were behind me. Today as I look ahead, I am certain this is still true.

The statistics of risks associated with maternal age, do not communicate this same enthusiasm for baby endeavours. At 35 years old, a woman steps into a world where the numbers begin to tumble and risk of having children with chromosomal abnormality climbs. Although pregnancy is trending higher among 30+ women…we are considered ‘advanced maternal age’.

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cdc risk chart

Source: CDC.com

When I was 23, I moved to Uganda. I spent 7 1/2 years pioneering a Non-Governmental Organization called Cherish Uganda. If you’ve known me- you’ve likely heard my story. A rebellious coming of age landed me on a Greyhound bus at 18, with blackened hair and heartbroken dreams. I was returning home from a spring and summer of tree-planting in Northern BC and my heart longed to unstick my feet from Canadian soil. I sensed a purpose that was ‘larger than me’ somewhere in a place I’d never been. I felt certain that I had been missing out on God’s best for me. I had run from Him because I had convinced myself I could map a better plan myself- but it had led me to the emptiest place I’d ever been. So as I sat on the bus, I turned my thoughts to God and the plans He had for me-which I’d all but abandoned.

“God, if you still have any possible use for me…if I am not too far gone, for you to redeem… I surrender my life to you…..whatever you want for me, I will do”. The sunlight streamed in through the window and I looked out at the spectacular scenery of Banff National Park, listening to the background humming of the bus. I looked down at my purple hair-dye stained hands as they held my CD player which was perched on top of my journal. In that quiet space, I heard a word whispered to my spirit, “Cherish”. It wasn’t a plan, it wasn’t a rebuke or even a conviction….it was a promise. God was not done with me and more striking, He was close and not distant from me. In the pitiful state I was in, there He was.

My life turned at that moment. It was the kind of turn that resembled a 180-degree change of heart…a true repentance. I unstuck my feet from Canadian soil and travelled as far from home as I could possibly get. Hillsong Leadership College in Sydney Australia was my first stop. There, I met my gorgeous friend Emma. She is a British, sanguine, firecracker of a girl, who I quickly grew to adore! We shared a room in our college house, threw pancake and champagne parties, skipped classes and found a passion for Christ and His church during our years at Hillsong.

Emma and I

Our friendship took me to England after college, where Emma was working as a youth pastor for a church called Christian Grown Centre. I arrived in September 2004 and worked alongside Emma- where we continued our quest to see God’s Kingdom realized in the lives of young people…whilst being adamant not to conform to a boring, religious mould that we so detested. It turned out, we were in the right place- because when I met Rick and Bev Murrill. They were the senior pastors of the church and leaders of a movement of church plants throughout the UK called Christian Growth International.  It didn’t take more than one conversation with them to figure out that they were faith-filled, mould-breakers themselves!

A few weeks after I’d arrived in England, Bev Murrill visited Uganda. She was taking a team of women to pray for and encourage the staff of Mildmay Uganda- a hospice for children living with HIV. The vice-president and founder of this centre was a tenacious British woman named Ruth Sims. She expressed to Bev that her team were struggling to face the overwhelming number of deaths among the children they attentively cared for. While Ruth took Bev through the hospice, Ruth explained that children without families were unable to begin medication because they would have no caregivers to support their stringent drug regime through childhood. So, although the life-saving medication was available to them, children were dying for lack of family and caregivers. Even orphan programs refused to provide care for these children, because of their HIV status.

God stopped Bev at a small bed, where a baby with HIV laid whose name was also Rachel. “Bev, you could DO SOMETHING about these children, if you want to.” These words could not be quietened in Bev’s heart as she returned to the UK and she returned with a catalytic anointing to speak in faith about an unseen response to God’s urge to ‘do something’.

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The details of how God’s plan unfolded through Cherish Uganda would take me a book to share fully. In short, I spent the next 10 years of my life pouring my heart and soul into the team and work that developed into a village of rehabilitation homes, a health centre, schools and an agricultural farm for courageous children who would overcome stigma, abandonment and abuse- to become symbols of HOPE for others living with HIV.

Kids

I arrived in Uganda with a couple suitcases full of good intentions. I left with a heart made so rich by the grace and love of God. His purpose and path for me included undeserved leadership which was a growth experience, an incredible group of friends whom I was honored to call my team, a church family (worshipharvest.org) who discipled me into the outrageous grace of God….and friends all around the globe, who joined us to be part of this amazing story of redemption.

I’m writing this short excerpt of my days in Australia, England and Uganda, to remind myself that the years I invested in this cause would NOT have been better spent having children of my own. I would not change those years or trade them for anything else. I bring to my marriage and family the witness of a miracle working God- one who responds to faith. The thousands of days I spent without a family of my own, were days that prepared me for them. Those years were PACKED with adventure, pain, Jesus, love, friends and the evidence that God uses our own brokenness for His plan….in which we become whole.

As I face a medical world that correlates my age with maternal risk….I look back and think that a greater risk would be entering motherhood without the certain knowledge that God does miracles, He heals, He loves, He provides and He holds our futures perfectly in His hands. As Russ and I embark on a new parenting chapter of having a little girl with Down Syndrome, we are full of faith for her life….knowing that He who has begun a good work (5 months and counting….), is faithful to complete it. Our little girl’s diagnosis does not lie outside of His perfect plan.

So bring on the birthdays….the best is yet to come!

Rachel

If Cherish Uganda caught your attention, please visit the website to check out the life-changing love that continues there today!

 

 

 

Tests

 

We told our families soon after we knew we were expecting and got the usual jokes and prods like, “Wow….not wasting any time eh!?” We laughed with them in agreement, because the truth is- we don’t have time to waste. I’ve never had a sense of my ‘biological clock’ ticking…although we both knew if we wanted a little crew of kiddos, we couldn’t put too many months between pregnancies.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I asked the technician if the scan included a nuchal translucency (NT) test. This testing is an early way to detect chromosomal abnormalities in the baby (by measuring the fluid at the neck of the baby) and it had been a standard part of my prenatal testing during my first pregnancy in Canada. She informed me that the scan didn’t include the test.

Shortly after, we sat with the OB who reported that everything in the scan was looking healthy and normal. Her eyes were very kind and communicated the shared sense of thrill that a perfect new life brings. I held my ultrasound photos in one hand- proof that there was, in fact, a little human growing within me! It was all great news and I allowed it to put my unspoken, nearly unconscious concerns to rest. I questioned the absence of the NT testing and the OB suggested that we consider NIPT testing- a relatively new and far more accurate blood test which could be done at any time during my pregnancy. The costs for the test would not likely be covered by our health insurance and I would have to go to Spokane to have it done. I didn’t expect we would opt in, but when I looked up at Russ, who was shifting back and forth with Madeleine in his arms, I saw a look on his face that I’ve come to recognize as a decisive, Spirit-led, decision-making look. He returned his eyes to the Doctor and said, “We would like that test, I think it would be good to know.” Although I was surprised, I agreed wholeheartedly and the test was arranged.

I arrived at Sacred Heart’s Maternal Fetal Medicine clinic on January 4th for a Non-invasive Prenatal Test (NIPT). I was 14 weeks pregnant and only just starting to show evidence of a bump. A friend had come to help me with Madeleine. As we sat in the waiting room, I looked at the other pregnant women and wondered what circumstance had brought them there. My mind wandered into that query and I could only imagine their worse case scenarios. I, on the other hand, expected a one-time visit and confirmation that our little one was developing perfectly- just as Madeleine had.
My first appointment was with a Genetic Counselor named Tanya. She graciously explained the testing, it’s accuracy and then proceeded to educate me about possible chromosomal abnormalities that could be detected. I had sat through this very same spiel with a dear friend, only a couple years prior, and it was like a strange flashback. The graphs and tables of age-related risk for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21(Down Syndrome) were initially intimidating. The fluky possibility that a particular chromosome could triplicate itself, instead of duplicate, seemed so random. When Tanya explained that my risk was less than 1%, I lent into my optimistic nature and saw only the 99.5% chance that my baby would be typical.

Trisomy 21 Karyotype Female - Copy
The blood draw and ultrasound were uneventful- although I love every chance to see my baby swimming and bopping around in my tummy in real time! The Doctor then reviewed the ultrasound with me, assuring me (just as I had expected) that everything looked very normal. I asked him if the back of the neck had been measured and he explained that although I was a few days outside of the ideal range of pregnancy for that test (10-14 weeks), the neck was measuring normally. If there were any reason for doubt on my way into the clinic, it had all evaporated by the time I left. The staff had each been so personable and caring, and yet, I never intended to see them again. I would get the blood test results over the phone in 7-10 days as a final confirmation.
The next week I called Tanya to ask if my results had arrived. She had asked me to prompt her on day 7, so I did. The results weren’t in and she told me to call back the next day, Friday, when the tests would most definitely be back. I wasn’t feeling nervous about the results, so I waited until the latter part of the day to call and ended up leaving voice messages requesting the results. My call was not returned and the day was nearly done, so I knew I wasn’t going to have the results until Monday. Sure enough, on Monday I received a call from Tanya, apologizing for the wait. She said the results still had not arrived and that the delay was usually a precursor for a “non-result”. This would mean I’d have to return to Spokane and have a second blood draw, as not enough genetic material was collected the first time. She was going to follow up with the lab to confirm this was the case, but she told me not to worry…and apologized that I would likely have to drive back to Spokane.

Taking Madeleine and driving back to Spokane in the middle of winter was not on my bucket list for 2018. I didn’t know then, that the following 24 hours would change the rest of my life altogether.

Rachel